Guiding Your Stepchild Through the College Transition: A Stepmom's Handbook

The transition to college is a significant milestone for any young adult, filled with excitement, anticipation, and perhaps a touch of apprehension. As a stepmom, your role in supporting your stepchild during this period can be invaluable. This article offers practical tips and insights to help you navigate this journey together, fostering a strong and supportive relationship.

Building a Foundation of Open Communication

Communication is paramount, especially when your stepchild is moving far from home. Creating an environment where they feel comfortable sharing their anxieties and excitement is crucial. Are they anxious about living with a new roommate in the dorms and being far away from home? Make it clear to them that even though they are taking on this new step in their life, you will always be here to support their endeavors. Ensure that they know you are only a phone call or text away. For some, the first few weeks of college can be scary and lonely. Make sure they know that you are along for the ride.

Active Listening: Truly listen to their concerns and offer reassurance without judgment.
Regular Check-ins: Establish a routine for communication, whether it's a weekly phone call or frequent texting.
Empathy: Acknowledge their feelings and validate their experiences.

The Power of Thoughtful Gestures

Small gestures can go a long way in making your stepchild feel loved and supported.

Sending a Piece of Home

Whether it’s a scrapbook, a blanket or something personalized and unique, giving your student a piece of home can make them feel more comfortable in an unknown environment. This tangible reminder of family can provide comfort during moments of homesickness.

The Perfect Care Package

A care package with your student’s favorite snacks, a small gift card to their favorite nearby restaurant, extra pens and pencils and spare household essentials can be just what your student needs come midterms or finals week.

The Heartfelt Letter

Not all gifts have to be as extravagant as a care package. A simple card or letter can do the trick to lift your student’s spirits. Three years later she confessed that she often curled up with a mug of tea to reread that letter every time she felt down and it reminded her how loved she was.

Being a Supportive Presence

One of the most powerful things that you can do for your student is to just be there for them.

Encouragement and Validation

Encourage them to go out and meet new people. Encourage them to go to various events around campus from social activities to a home sporting event or a theater production.

Navigating Academic Challenges

Encourage your student to reach out to their academic advisor to be sure they are on the path that’s right for them. College may not always be easy, but there is always someone to talk to.

Embracing Change

College helps students learn not only how much they know about a particular subject matter, but also about themselves. Embrace the changes that your student is going through. If they are calling you every day at the beginning of the semester, but by midterms, you only talk a couple of times a week, don’t take offense. Just know this means they are getting busier and are using their time in different ways.

Read also: The Educators of Pip

Exploring the New City Together

If you are leaving your new college student in an unfamiliar new city, help them embrace the local community. Take a little time, if possible, to explore the city with them. Discover where the closest gas station and grocery stores are located.

Navigating Move-In Day

Facing college move-in day with my first-born child was a day that I'd been imagining with a weird combination of excitement and dread since she was born. Until I got there. Then I was a hot mess. I was unprepared for some of the common logistical challenges that I hadn't anticipated combined with my fragile emotional state.

Planning Ahead

If you’re planning for a special goodbye meal on College D-Day, keep in mind that this day is a chaotic mess of schedules, emotions, crowds and activity. It might take much longer than you think to unpack. You might discover the residence hall has a mandatory evening social gathering. Your student might ask you to leave earlier than you expected so they can have space to adjust. It'll be HOT, and you'll get HANGRY (hungry + angry, in case you didn't know). You'll likely discover that your assigned move-in time or last-minute errands makes a lunch outing impossible. Plus every restaurant is crowded with hangry parents and students. Plan ahead, bring your lunch, and make it a dorm picnic.

Logistics

There's no such thing as a “quick run” to Walmart if it’s located nearby on college move-in day. We were amazed at the mountain of boxes and left-over packaging that quickly accumulated during move-in. The tiny dorm wastebasket was useless, and the dumpster was not a quick walk.

Respecting Boundaries

This is where nesting-Mama and ready-to-be-independent-Freshman will throw down! Emotions are high as the clock is ticking towards the final goodbye, so it’s easy to find excuses to keep puttering around their room to avoid reality. Make their bed if it really helps your heart, but pay attention to their cues and remember that this is their new turf and first foot of independence.

Read also: Student Move-Out Tips

The Goodbye

I knew I’d be a sobbing lunatic when I said goodbye to my daughter, and since I always failed miserably at being the tooth fairy, I planned a little “under the pillow surprise” effort in advance to soothe my maternal soul. Know that it's OK to cry. A lot. Some people are criers, some aren’t. It doesn’t mean you’re a helicopter parent if you’re sobbing, and it doesn’t mean you’re heartless if you don’t. If you ARE a crier, bring a lot of tissues, and plan your exit accordingly.

Staying Connected

Having a plan for how to appropriately stay connected to your college student and remain a consistent influence in their life will give you something new to focus on instead of the loss of what was. They'll need your encouragement, your advice, and your guidance now more than ever. But they'll also need freedom and space to figure things out on their own.

Understanding the Stepmom Role

Family Life I want to allow for a little disclaimer and say that I am not a stepparent and don’t know what it’s like to walk in your shoes. I am divorced, however, and may one day be in the role of stepmom and my kids could one day have a stepmother. So, as I write this I try to imagine what it must feel like for stepparents who have worked hard toward a successful blended family or are currently adjusting. I have gleaned a few things in my career as a therapist when working with kids of blended families. One of the biggest things kids have conveyed is their need and desire for support, love and boundaries without judgment or conditions. They generally want their biological parents to be together, even if it wasn’t a good relationship. And, as much as kids might like their parents’ girlfriend or boyfriend, they rarely want a new “mom” or “dad” added to the mix. That said, there are no hard and fast rules, as each situation, and each child-stepparent bond, is unique. Some stepparents must completely assume the role of mother or father, while others join a family with two involved biological parents. Whatever the case, establishing a united and strong family plan with your spouse regarding discipline, boundaries, guidance and overall expectations is essential. These plans are generally fluid at first as blended families work toward what is best for everyone involved. Your role in your stepchild’s life during his or her high school and college years will largely depend on how you’ve established your relationship in the beginning. Though ambitious at times, a relationship with your high school or college-aged stepchild can be rich, nurturing and exceptional. You may choose the role of supporter, cheerleader and mentor as he or she tackles the tough teenage years and beyond. You may also end up being the one adult who shows up, provides emotional and physical safety, and leads by example. Most importantly, you can impart love, care and consistency - all attributes that every growing child needs to be healthy and feel safe. Chances are, by the time your stepchild has gone through the application process, decided on a college and is moving away, you will have already established a way of communicating that works best for the two of you. And if it’s a strained pattern of communication, sometimes distance, time and perspective can help to heal. I am an optimist when it comes to relationships and believe it’s never too late to make lasting and loving connections, even if you’re a new stepparent to a high-school or college student.

Practical Tips for Stepmoms

Below are a few ways to help navigate your role as stepparent.

Do listen with an open heart
Do take time to do things one-on-one with your stepchild
Do speak only positively of your spouse and your stepchild’s other biological parent
Do ask questions and be curious about who your growing stepchild is becoming
Do take interest in her activities
Do offer to help when you see him struggle
Do practice being consistent even when it’s challenging
Do keep trying - relationships take work, patience, energy and practice
Do not take anything personally (challenging for anyone!)
Do send care packages and cards
Do communicate your love
Do stay on the same page with your spouse
Do communicate often with your spouse about your stepchild or your biological children in the blended family
Do seek counseling with your spouse if problems arise within your blended family
Do treat all of the children in the blended family equally
Do share your talents, skills and hobbies with your stepchild
Do offer guidance, support and practice compassion
Do take care of yourself!

The Lasting Impact

I am reminded of a quote by Maya Angelou that sums up most human interactions, and perhaps especially those of the parent or stepparent-child relationship. She writes, “They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” We can’t be perfect in our love or actions toward our children or stepchildren and will stumble often, but beauty, healing and growth lie in the continual striving toward a loving relationship even in the face of failure and disappointment. With repair, love is deepened, making an indelible mark on our very beings.

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