Earning Privileges: A Guide to Positive Reinforcement for Children and Teens
As children and teens grow, they need structure and clear expectations. A well-designed system of earning privileges can be a powerful tool for parents and educators. This approach fosters responsibility, motivates positive behavior, and promotes a harmonious home environment. This article explores the concept of earning privileges, providing practical steps and insights for implementation.
The Importance of Earning Privileges
Earning privileges is a positive reinforcement strategy that empowers children and adolescents to make responsible choices. Instead of focusing on punishment and taking things away, this method emphasizes what can be gained through positive behavior. Research shows that children are much more likely to do what is expected when they have the power to earn something, than when being threatened that you will take something from them.
For teens in recovery, earning privileges can be especially beneficial. As adolescents regain parental trust, they will show the maturity and sobriety needed to handle certain responsibilities and rewards. Earning privileges is also a motivation to continue living a sober lifestyle. In general, as teens move through the recovery process, it is important for them to earn privileges back. Families have different rules coming into treatment. Depending on the previous rules, your child may never gain back the type of freedom he once had. All children need structure. While adolescents work to earn privileges, parents need to ensure that they are supervising all their children, including teens.
The Privileges System: A Step-by-Step Guide
One effective method is the "Privileges System," which involves setting clear expectations and allowing children to earn desired privileges through appropriate behavior. Here's how it works:
- Introduce the Concept: Start by asking your child, "Wouldn’t it be great if you got to do what you wanted and Mommy and Daddy didn’t have to yell anymore?" This frames the system as a win-win situation.
- Choose Privileges: Each day, ask your child to choose approximately 5 - 8 privileges that he or she would like to enjoy. You write (or sketch, if your child is a non-reader) one privilege per sticky note and attach the sticky notes to a place that is easily visible to you and your child. Privileges can be anything from a ride on daddy’s shoulders to ten minutes of your undivided attention.
- Identify Inappropriate Behavior: Any time the child engages in inappropriate behavior (whining, pouting, bossing, tugging, stalling, pestering, etc.), name the behavior and count. For example, “I hear you whining. I’m counting that as number one. If you continue to whine, I will continue to count. If I reach three, you will lose a privilege.” Only wait about ten seconds to count to the next number if the behavior does not improve. If the behavior does improve but reemerges later, start the counting over.
- Remain Calm and Count: Remain calm and never try to talk your child into stopping the behavior. Calmly name the behavior, and then count. When you reach three (and you must, for the system to work), say, “You have reached number three. You have lost the privilege of _ for today.” You choose the privilege that is to be “counted out.” Just because you are giving choices does not mean that you give up control of the system.
- Acknowledge Disappointment: Once a privilege is “counted out,” it is highly likely that your child will react with tears, pleading, more whining, and whatever else is in his behavioral arsenal. If that happens, you may simply say, “I am sad, too, that you made the choice to continue that behavior. I was looking forward to watching you enjoy that privilege.”
- Remove the Privilege: Remove the sticky note representing the privilege that was “counted out” from its place and put it inside a kitchen cabinet, or somewhere else that is out of sight. That privilege is gone for today, but remember… tomorrow is another day.
- Repeat as Needed: If inappropriate behavior ensues following the loss of a privilege, simply name the behavior and count again. It is not unusual for a child to lose two or three privileges quickly when you first begin the system. Some parents choose to begin with more than five privileges if they anticipate their children will lose them quickly at first.
- No Negotiation: Once a privilege has been “counted out,” it is gone for that day. A child cannot earn back a privilege by being well-behaved. This is not a system of negotiation. It is important to remind your child that she will have the opportunity to choose that privilege again on another day. Say, “maybe on that day you will be able to make a better choice with your behavior and we will get to enjoy the privilege.”
- Ensure Privileges Work for You: When your child chooses privileges, be sure that they work for you. Don’t agree to a privilege that won’t fit into your schedule for the day. The Privileges System teaches parents and children to work as a team. If your child makes a suggestion that won’t work for one day, explain why another day might work better. You are the parent; you have veto power.
- Enjoy the Privileges: Go about your day and enjoy the privileges. When a privilege has been enjoyed, put the sticky note representing that privilege out of sight. Utilizing the sticky notes enables children to see the consequences of their actions, both favorable and unfavorable. If there are no privileges left and it’s only the middle of the afternoon, allow your child to choose several more privileges, but do not reinstate privileges that have been “counted out.”
Tailoring Privileges to Different Ages
The Privileges System fits your schedule and your children’s preferences. The beauty of this system is that it can be used for any age child, from preschoolers to teenagers. Sure, the privileges change over time, but the theory doesn’t.
Read also: Comprehensive Scholarship Guide
- Preschoolers: Privileges for preschoolers might include choosing a book to read, playing with a favorite toy, or having a special snack.
- Elementary School Children: For older children, privileges could involve extra screen time, choosing a family activity, or having a friend over.
- Teenagers: Teenagers might be motivated by privileges such as later curfew, using the car, or having a smartphone.
Privileges for Teens in Recovery
For teens in recovery, the focus should be on privileges that support their sobriety and promote responsible behavior. It is important to help support teens in recovery avoid People, Places, and Things (PPT) that might trigger use. Ideally, the first privileges they earn back would be ones that are less likely to trigger use. Additionally, as they earn privileges, parents will want to continue to monitor their child’s recovery and their use of the car, phone, etc. to ensure they are being used responsibly.
- Early Recovery: In early recovery, privileges might include attending specific social events with parental supervision, having access to their phone with limited contacts, or spending time with sober friends.
- Later Recovery: As they progress, they can earn privileges like attending parties (if that is where they were getting high, until further along in the recovery process), having more independence with their phone and car, or taking on more responsibilities at home.
You may also be able to return some privileges with restrictions. For example, your child may get his phone back, but you might delete all the contacts of his using friends and monitor the phone to ensure they do not return. A teen may have to earn the privilege of a smart phone.
Setting Goals and Expectations
Many families have found it useful to create a contract with their teens. This helps to make sure that everyone is on the same page. In a calm moment, you can help your child make a list of privileges she would like to regain. You can then set up goals which would allow them to earn back each privilege. Teens need to understand that to earn privileges, they need to work their program, earn back your trust, and show responsibility.
Discussions about privileges and trust can be difficult to have. Teens are often very passionate about having more freedom, and parents are usually equally concerned with protecting their teens. It is also easy for those in early recovery to be overly confident in their ability to avoid their triggers. Parents and clinicians all want to work together to help teens prevent a relapse.
Additional Strategies for Positive Reinforcement
Besides the Privileges System, other strategies can be incorporated to enhance positive behavior:
Read also: Maximize Your Potential with Earn and Learn
- The Pre-Mack Principle: This strategy, supported by research, involves completing one non-preferred activity (e.g., homework) before engaging in a preferred activity (e.g., TV time). For instance, when my son says “mommy, can I get on the computer to play a game?” I say “yes but you need to pick up those crayons you left out first.” This helps children learn how to prioritize and make undesirable tasks feel manageable.
- First/Then Board: For children who may have trouble understanding language (such as those with autism or a speech/language delay or impairment), showing a picture of the activity you want them to complete first, and then the activity they will earn, can be helpful. This is called a first/then board.
- Timers: Some children benefit from having a timer set, to let them know how much time they have to do the fun activity.
Consistency and Communication
Consistency is key to the success of any system of earning privileges. Parents need to be consistent in their expectations and consequences. It is also important to have open communication with children about the system and their progress. Remember to always stick with the earning concept. For example, if your child says “I’m not helping with the dishes” and goes to turn the TV on, remind them of what they are working towards in a calm but confident tone (e.g., “You need to complete the dishes first and then you can watch TV”) rather than threatening them (e.g., if you don’t do the dishes, you are not watching TV). Keep in mind, that your child’s behavior may not improve right away, especially if what you are doing is a new concept to them.
Read also: University Compensation Details
tags: #earn #privileges #student #handbook
